These kids today...ai yi yi, they have it made... *old man voice*

I remember way back when I was a preteen/teenager, wayyy back before this newfangled 'internet' thing made it possible for you to find every variety of smut and porn under the sun, I had to figure out my developing sexuality and get my thrills on my own. No internet, too young to go to adult stores, what's a budding young perv to do?

Obviously as a responsible adult I don't condone underagers looking at porn and if by chance any of you reading these words ARE underage LOG OFF immediately and, I dunno, go watch something wholesome, damnit!

Like watch videos on MTV. Lady Gaga or Rhianna or something.

So, anyway...I was young, it was the early 80's, I had all of these urges and thoughts fermenting in my head, what was I to do?

One avenue was stolen porn magazines, or getting into my friend's dad's porn mag stash. He had all kinds of vanilla stuff. Hustlers and some XXX movie mags mostly. Nice to look at really but nothing really memorable. No, the real find for me was the 'letters' style of magazine. Big thick volumes of letters written by so-called 'real readers' that you instinctively knew were bullshit but that didn't matter really. "You wouldn't believe it, but I picked up these hitchhiking Swedish twins in my van and...." That kind of thing.

Many of these magazines were divided up into sections based on an activity or kink. They seemed to have something for everyone, from voyeurism to swinging to interracial encounters to you-name-it. Every couple of pages would be a kind of hot grainy B&W photo that only, with a bit of imagination, tied into the activity that group of letters happened to be about.

I was...mesmerized..by the Femdom section. I'd read the letters over and over again, imagining the action, putting myself in the place of the hapless submissive male who was being overpowered, blackmailed, put into bondage and feminized into permanent captivity to a beautiful Dominant Woman who would keep him her slave and playtoy forever..

To me, it wasn't like I made a conscious decision in my head "Oh that sounds hot, I would like to try that someday". It was more of...an epiphany of sorts. A realization deep in my heart, soul, and loins that this is who I am. Feelings and urges inside of me for years before I had even picked up a porno magazine in my life--things that I didn't understand suddenly had names and identities. I was a submissive male. I was into BDSM. I needed to belong to a Mistress. I now had a vocabulary and a frame of reference for these feelings and needs.

The aches in my body to be used and abused, dominated and enslaved like the men in the stories was so painful it was...delicious.

Now...what to do about it? I wanted...needed...more....

And in those miserable pre-internet Reagan years of youth there was NOTHING else. So I got, quite frankly, pathetic.

There exists in this house today--I have it still, and Mistress has seen it--a VCR tape that I made over many many late nights as a teen of things that just happened to rub me the right way in my 'special place', and I duly recorded and would masturbate furiously to.

This tape wasn't of a single naughty movie or anything like that. It was a total mishmash of movie clips, music videos, anything that pushed my buttons. And I DO mean ANYTHING. There was this night on "Friday Night Videos" that had Judy Tenuta doing her 'Love Goddess' shtick with Emo Philips as her devoted servant as guest hosts that I recorded segments of.

And masturbated to. Yes, I was that pathetic as a horny teenager.

Other things of note on the 'Tape Of Shame':

Madonna was, obviously, a HUGE turn on for me. I'd watch her videos over and over, freeze-framing on my favorite parts, daydream of being her slave and, of course, masturbate.

My favorite Madonna video:


Oh my god...those fishnets, those fishnets, I would have given the world to kneel before her legs & feet in those fishnets and heels and worshipped them...

Here's another pathetic confession of the 'Tape Of Shame' that I can't find a still image or a video clip of. There's a scene (a SINGLE scene!) in the horrible movie "Superman IV" where the character of Lacy White tries to seduce Clark Kent by laying on top of her desk in a provocative pose, showing off her beautiful legs and high heels, and having him come into her office to 'discover' her like that. I'm not even sure this scene is 20 seconds long: in any event, it must have impressed me, because I recorded it, watched and rewatched it (paused on the shot of her legs & feet of course) and masturbated to it.

There's a scene in the Madonna movie "Who's that Girl" where she's changing clothes to pass herself as the high society fiance of the male lead where there is a CLOSEUP of you-guessed-it her feet in fishnet and heels that's on screen all of maybe 3 seconds.

These are VANILLA movies, folks. But damnit, they were MY porn!

Thank GOD for late-night Showtime. How many other children of the 80's out there played the "Let's sneak into the living room late at night and watch naughty movies on cable with the volume turned down" game?

Not that any of them were really BDSM movies or even hinted at it...I enjoyed the "Emmanuelle" movies pretty much as they were, with my own mind adding daydreams and fantasies to make them femdom-ish in my head.

(With one exception--Emmanuelle IV--there's a dream sequence where Emmanuelle is beating her former lover across the face with a little flogger until her bows before her, with the dialogue something like "I want to whip you...beat you...you must know who your Mistress is!" Ohhhhh, melllllts....)

But one late night 80's erotic movie stands above all others to my fevered aches and longings, and that would be "Honey" or "Miele di Donna", sadly not available on DVD anywhere it would seem.

“The young, naive Annie enters a hotel to spend the night - without knowing that it's this special kind of hotel, that serves more than breakfast. Curiously she walks around and watches the maids doing their job. She's especially fascinated of a forbidden room, where a silent, strange guy lives.” --from the IMDb

The 'silent strange guy' scene I came across on YouTube HERE and while, yeah, ok, its hot, there's bondage even, it ISNT the scene that was the most erotic thing in the world to me and remained so until I was 18 and could go to a PROPER adult store and buy Femdom mags.

No, the scene that affected me so deeply, that melted my young kinky mind is the one where Annie is sneaking around this hotel, peeking into all of these rooms, seeing all of the erotic or bizarre things going on in all of these rooms. If I remember right, she had just been to the shower and was wearing nothing but a bathrobe, and she was a bit lost and unable to find her room. She stumbles into the room of a total stranger.

She’s discovered by this dominatrix-type stern woman with a cane, who immediately takes control of her and goes off into this roleplaying thing where the dommish woman is a schoolteacher, and Annie is a misbehaving student who has written a naughty letter and must confess her sins. Annie immediately obeys and begins to just roleplay with it, apologizing to the ‘Mother Superior’, disrobing and falling to her knees at the domme’s feet, who then starts to run her cane along Annie’s body, slowly and sensually, promising to get a ‘full confession’ out of her.

I remember this being the most erotic thing to me in the world at that time…not just the domme in the high heels, but more than that, it was…the ease that the Annie character had in immediately falling into submission to this stranger. I mean, here she is, almost naked, vulnerable, caught sneaking around, and she not only obeys this strange other woman, she buys into the whole fictional roleplay thing 100% without missing a beat, casting off her bathrobe and kneeling oh so beautifully on the floor.

I...wanted to BE her...so bad... So beautiful, so feminine..so wanted and desired that total strangers would want to dominate and possess her, and be so free in her sexuality and her ease in her submission that she could just instantly obey and get into it without any hangups or hesitation...

Even now, with all of these years of real life play and naughtiness behind me I still envy Annie that total freedom and sheer abandon in her slavery.