Slavegirl Sissy

First, the backstory:

Its been an intense week in my submissive life.

On Sunday I was used. Really used. Used like a submissive like me dreams of: I was repeatedly, roughly, and aggressively used and fucked by Mistress in every possible way and was not allowed to cum at all. Which didn't even matter to me, really. Physical frustration ebbs and fades away once the teasing and arousal stops and becomes more manageable. But the joy of pleasing my Mistress over and over again? The wonderful submissive feelings of being helpless before Her, and put in my place?

That's what its all about. My God, She was so beautiful...so fierce and aggressive. A true Goddess in every sense of the word. Takes my breath away.

So...that was the start of my week...then I had a few unpleasant workdays, back in the so-called 'real world'. I was relaxing on the couch after such a workday on Wed night when Mistress and shygirl (Mistress's husband's subbie girl, for those of you who do not follow our blog and may be confused by all the polyamorous twists & turns :p) unexpectedly come through the door to surprise me!

In no short order I was told I was going to be used by both of them that night (!) and, in shygirl's exact words, "Just let it happen!". I was told to strip down to my panties and put something sexy on. I chose a sexy teal satin nightie and joined them in our 'studio' room. There Mistress directed shy to sit on my face for a little while before both of them put strapon dildos on, sandwiching me between them at first, but before long Mistress just sat back and directed shy as she fucked me, eventually coming to an apparently powerful orgasm (her first orgasm ever while fucking someone with a strapon!), grinding into me and smacking my ass as she came.

Then Mistress took HER turn. With the larger dildo!

I should also mention at this point that Mistress filmed all of this...she does this for a number of hot scenes in our lives--its not just for business, however. Its also an ongoing record of my submission to her. And it does add spice....sometimes (more on this later).

Of course, I was still not permitted to cum.

So then we get to last night (Fri), the point of all of this sexy rambling (and no its NOT just 'wank fodder' you would-be Fetlife forum troll/overzealous anal retentive moderator-type person, if persons of such type be reading this...)

(doubtful, those kind of people usually just skim a little before making some sort of quick narrow minded judgement or snarky comment and don't really READ anything )

I digress: I've just become very jaded & cynical about forum/blog behavior these days.

Anyway, back to last night: Mistress feminizes me--the whole 9 yards this time, something we don't do that often in our everyday lives due to time constraints and such. It DOES make it more special when she does it as a result.

She administered an enema (*blush*) and had me bodyshave, then pick my own outfit for the evening "as if you were dressing to please your BOY-friend" she teased. I picked a pink satin nightie, a cute pair of matching panties, thigh high white stockings and my heels. Mistress then did my makeup and put me in my blonde wig.

Each step of this process I'm drifting off into subspace...my psyche (for reasons I'll delve into some other time) equates feminization with being kept prisoner. Therefore its bondage to me. The more involved, the more helpless and kept and submissive I feel.

So I'm already getting deep into subspace before she does anything with me...I'm begging her to be allowed to please her, in any way she wishes.

I'm begging to be put on video for her.

No, this isn't topping from the bottom or begging for something I want for my own sake, even if (as I said earlier) it does add some sexy spice. I'm embarrassed by my photos and videos, and don't think I'm all that attractive in either my male or feminine personas.

I'm begging for it because I know deep down in my heart that this is what will please Mistress the most.

After 2 1/2 years of being this wonderful Woman's slave, and loving her with all of my heart, I've come to read her moods. Try to predict her needs, as best I can, and last night I knew Mistress was feeling the driving need to work. She is a Professional as well as a Lifestyle Mistress, and this IS her work. Its summertime, and thus with no school she's on full time mommy duty and I know the frustrations of not being able to work eats away at her inside. That pressure is increased by the never-ending money worries that are ever present for those of us who are just barely keeping our heads above water.

She needed to work and me, deep in subspace, I read that need and wanted to satisfy it. I felt a deep...giving of myself in the offer, to be filmed and humiliated and frustrated. I felt a pure sense of purpose, and the sheer desire in my heart and soul to please this Woman, my Mistress, my Goddess--was overwhelming, outweighing my personal needs and feelings and frustrations.

And I'll let you now in on a little secret about making porn...its not all fun and games. Sometimes--like the night Mistress spontaneously filmed her and shy taking turns on me with strapons--the camera is a natural part of the scene, and does not distract from the headspaces Mistress and I are in. It feels natural, organic, even erotic--it becomes a tool of humiliation for Mistress to use, just another sexy weapon in her arsenal to use.

Sometimes the camera--and all of the fucking around with the camera, trying to get angles, trying to get everything in the frame, messing around with the lights, sometimes the camera SERIOUSLY detracts from the scene. And in the past sometimes I'd get more than a little frustrated (in the bad sense) at all of the distractions, especially if Mistress was feeling frustrated (also in the bad sense) juggling being an erotic filmmaker and my Mistress at the same time. I'd obey, of course--its not like I can say no, can I?--but I'd come away from the scene feeling a little peevish sometimes.

But last night, deep in subspace, I felt something click in my mind and I came to a revelation, an epiphany of sorts. Something you and others reading this may think should have been obvious all along but in my head I had never really made
the connection:

That being, "Dumb-ass, this isn't all about YOU."

I mean, I'm not an idiot. I'm not a 'top from the bottom' or a 'do-me' kind of so-called submissive at all. I have always wanted to serve and please my dominant, I've been active and kinky for years before ever meeting Mistress, and have found deep satisfaction and even joy in serving...the giving of myself, out of love and obedience.

But when it came to Mistress's pornmaking--I couldn't see the forest for the trees. When she would get frustrated with the camera or something and stopping in the middle of doing something sexy with me--strapons, facesitting, whatever it was we were doing at the time--the ACT itself we were doing at the time was NOT what I as her slave was truly doing as an act of obedience, the truly obedient thing to do--the giving of myself was to recognize and satisfy Mistress's REAL NEED--her need for a smooth shoot.

IE, if Mistress is filming me licking her pussy for the camera, her need ISN'T actually having her pussy licked at all. Her need is for me to perform for the camera, and, more importantly, to soothe jangled nerves and frustrations and keep her 'in the moment'.

Me, being somewhat of an idiot and highly distracted by said pussy in question would confuse my real duties as her slave and be annoyed that the camera stuff was intruding upon my oral service, or whatever I was doing at the time.

Obvious, no? Perhaps it should have been. But it was a revelation to me all the same, and a testament to how far I've come, how much I've grown as a submissive to better serve Mistress's needs--both the said and unsaid ones.

The connection burned itself into my head--that I must learn, am learning to recognize Mistress's needs & motivations.

To truly serve Her.