Slavegirl Sissy - politics/philosophy

Analysing my fetish, continued

nospam@example.com (Erisiana Cherie) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 13:55:00 -0700

Sometime in my late 20's I said to myself "fuck it; the only people I'm hurting are figments of my imagination". I decided that I deserved sexual satisfaction as much as anybody else, even if my fantasies WERE exactly what my feminist peers hated most. I decided that I was an honorable, ethical person, and that I did not need to live my life ruled by the moral exhortations of people who obviously cared more about controlling my thoughts than about my actual well-being. I decided that I wanted to fucking well enjoy my fantasies for a change.

And that was when understanding began to dawn on me. Before this point I would have insisted that I viewed these scenes from outside, as if watching a movie, and that I wasn't in any role. Now I could see that I was MUCH more interested in the aggressor's perspective, imagining in minute detail what they said, did, & felt. I realized first that I was not, in fact, ever interested in mentally playing the part of the victimized girl, but that I totally got into the part of the raping man. Or, more accurately, the role of the men. ALL of them, simultaneously. Which is impossible in the real world, yes? And so the second thing I realized was that the sheer physical impossibility of my fantasies was important to me. It was significant that my role in the scene was as the sort of big, hairy, masculine guy that I had no interest in being (or shagging). It was significant that I often mentally played the part of a whole GROUP of these guys. It was significant that I also loved things like Japanese tentacle porn which were equally impossible.

It would be easy to assume that my rape fantasies have male aggressors and female victims because we live in a culture where women are shat on. That IS the feminist party line, isn't it? Nowadays the dogma goes so far as to call this a "rape culture". (And that assumption was a HUGE part of why I felt unable to talk about my fetish with anyone. A huge part of why I still avoid talking about it.) But that explanation just doesn't ring true for me. As I said I grew up in a household headed by a strong woman who ruled over us all, including her husband. I was taught that girls could do anything they wanted to, including have free & satisfying sex lives, and that equality between the sexes was the order of the day. And I lived by that teaching too. For instance, in 99% of my relationships I've been the one who made the first move toward sex. Heck, I'm accustomed to making the first move even in asking for a date. And maybe I've been freakishly lucky but I've had dozens of male lovers and never yet encountered one who was NOT greatly interested in my pleasure. In my world women have always been free sexual agents.

So yeah, the idea that my mind fixed on these archetypes because of some underlying belief that woman=victim simply does not hold water. But we also live in a culture where MEN are presumed to be victimizers. Even the 'good guys' are supposedly only a hair's breadth from turning into predators at any time. That is the message sent by things like the ubiquitous falsehood "1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted". It's the basis of the entire "rape culture" theory. And women, according to this dogma - the dogma that I grew up with, remember - are supposedly so morally superior that they would never, ever be sadistic rapists.

Take that message - that only men are capable of being sexually sadistic, and women are never rapists - and layer it with the usual prohibitions against ANY violence, and it hardly seems surprising that I might have had difficulty coming to terms with being a sexually sadistic woman. The funny thing is, I haven't ever really felt any of the agonizing guilt about 'abusing' people I like that seems so common with other doms. I figure its because my subconscious did this neat little trick, and turned my darkest fantasies into something that relied on it's own impossibility. I don't want to be a big, hairy, brutal guy. I don't want to be any guy. And thus on a very basic level I never worry that I'll go too far in realizing my dark dreams, because I never could!

This all makes even more sense when taking into account my disposition. If I had a D&D orientation it would be 'lawful good'. In a way you could say I play the role of an impossible villain because I can't imagine myself as the villain.

Now if all this sounds like I'm anti-feminist you've got the wrong idea. To repeat what I've said several times already - I grew up believing very strongly in the ideal of equality among all sexes/genders. I STILL HAVE those ideals. I think this sense of justice is at the heart of at least one part of my kink. But I've also had a pile of life experiences that've led me to doubt some of the feminist dogma I was taught. And in this case it makes a whole lot more sense to me to think of my fetish as being a response to negative messages I absorbed about men rather than negative messages I absorbed about women.

A self-protective twist of my subconscious elegantly accounts for the gender oddity in my fantasies. But I believe the core need expressed in them is a need for CONTROL. In many ways I was not in control when I was growing up. I guess this is true for every child, but perhaps more than usual in my family. And knowing the extent of my drive to control things (including non-sexual things) nowadays it makes perfect sense. My fantasies in the end are all about control.

And this final realization illuminates yet another facet of my fetish. You know how they say 'rape is not about sex, it's about control'? (Another one of those items of dogma I grew up with.) Well, in a way the girl in my fantasies IS also me, even while I consciously inhabit the role of the man/men. They are all symbolic figures constructed by my psyche. And the dramatic enactment of the rape itself symbolically represents me controlling my own sexuality.

That about sums it up for an analysis of my fetish. But it's really only the beginning of analyzing my sexuality. This entire essay has been about what was going on inside my head though the years; it says very little about my behaviors. It doesn't explain, for instance, how I got into sex work...how I became a domme...what I get out of forced feminization...or a lot of other things one might wonder about. This fetish is like the keystone of an arch: it's central to my sexuality but it's meaningless without all the other building blocks. I aim to try putting all the rest into words as well, but considering this bit took me weeks to compose I recommend not holding your breath in waiting for the next installment. :p

Analysing my fetish

nospam@example.com (Erisiana Cherie) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 05:16:03 -0700

Tia's recent bout of self-analysis has prompted me to try doing the same for my own kink(s). I have so far avoided doing so because I feel like it's just too complicated to be able to express. I'm sure that people will focus on one thread of what is really a big tangled mass and miss the larger picture I mean to convey. And frankly, I don't feel like the general public has any claim to this kind of intimacy with me; I'm very comfortable sharing my body but the deep, dark corners of my mind belong to me alone.

But there are other things I want very much to say that will make a lot more sense after I fill in this backstory. So {deep breath} here goes..

I think I need to begin by talking about my fetish. I have a rape fetish. And I don't mean a fetish in the sense of 'something I like a lot that gets me really turned on'. I mean in the CLINICAL sense: something that I cannot achieve sexual satisfaction without. Something that has to be there for me to have an orgasm.

(Complication #1 - I don't know how common this is, but I know I'm not the only woman who has different sorts of orgasms from different kinds of stimulation. I have at least four kinds of orgasms. But my clitoral orgasms are like steak while the others are more like strawberries: they're all tasty but one leaves me satiated wheras the others aren't really filling unless I have a whole bunch of them, and then I'm hungry again soon.

When I speak of not being able to achieve orgasm without my fetish involved it's clitoral orgasms I'm talking about. And while I enjoy the other sorts very much, it's the clitoral orgasms I need to have to feel truly satisfied.)

I hope it goes without saying that I do not need to actually rape anybody to be satisfied. But I do need to be mentally focused on a certain kind of fantasy. The exact elements of these fantasies varies, but they generally involve some poor, helpless, innocent girl being sadistically raped and tortured by one or (more often) a whole gang of vicious men. And here we come to complication #2: the gender kink.

My fetish is something that has been a part of my sexuality for as long as I can remember, from the time I was a pre-adolescent dressing my Barbie dolls up in clothes made of paper towels so that Ken could tear them off her. But I didn't figure out until I was almost 30 that when I played these scenes out in my mind I was always in the role of the man.

It's not that I was sexually unsophisticated or inexperienced either. I was often the most lustfully adventurous person among my peers. In fact, sometimes I look back and wonder how the heck it took me so long to figure this shit out. But on the other hand, considering all the societal factors that come into play I suppose it makes sense.

Perhaps the single biggest obstacle to my understanding was the cultural assumption that one's sexual fantasies directly correlate with what one wants to make real. This assumption is SO prevalent it's difficult for most people, in my experience, to even grasp the idea that some of us are not wired that way, that for some of us the very impossibility of the fantasy is a necessary part of the thrill. It seems pretty obvious that this assumption is what's behind people's objections to "extreme" porn; it is certainly true that this assumption permeates discussions about porn ethics. So just imagine how it was for me as a girl, having grown up in a woman-headed family with STRONG feminist ideals, to be inescapably fixated on sexual fantasies that could not have been any more opposed to those ideals.

I couldn't talk to anyone about them because dude - violent rape fantasies? That I could not reach orgasm without? Yeah; you can imagine how most people would react to that. And I completely didn't understand that I saw myself as the big bad raping MAN either. I'm not only female, I'm femme. I'm very happy with my womanly body and not at all interested in becoming a man. I don't even want to look butch. That meant I MUST want to be the girl in the scene, right?

Right?

Of course not, but a decade or so of hearing about how porn - even ordinary vanilla porn - "objectified" and hurt women, well, that was plenty enough indoctrination to fuck with my ability to know myself. And MORE than enough indoctrination to fuck with my ability to communicate this shit to anyone. So I was left in a state of perpetual guilt, unable to share my whole sexuality with my lovers, unable to talk about it with my friends, unable even to discuss it with the several therapists I saw at various times during those years. I tried, more than once, to exorcise this dark part of myself. To stop 'giving in' to these thoughts that I was convinced were harmful. Which was useless of course.

{to be continued..}

Why am I Kinky? (follow-up)

nospam@example.com (slave tia) — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 08:27:54 -0700

Since writing and posting this I've been wondering about something else in my early childhood that may have helped make me kinky:

I have this memory of something on television involving a gang of girls holding another girl down and raping her with a coke bottle. I just have the briefest impression of it giving me happy tingles, imagining being held down and taken against my will.

For the life of me I have no idea what this was, or where it was from. Mistress has a memory of this also, and says it was some famous/infamous 'After-School Special'.

The closest thing I can find is a made-for-tv movie called "Born Innocent", starring Linda Blair, in 1974, wherein Linda's character is sent to some female detention center and she gets held down and raped with a plunger by several tough girls.

I'm not sure this is it. For one thing, I'm pretty sure it was a coke bottle or something in my memory, for another...in 1974 I would have only been 1 year old!!!

There's no way I could have watched that scene at that age and had sexual thoughts about it, good lord!

Does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

Why am I kinky? Why 'forced fem'? (part 3)

nospam@example.com (slave tia) — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 06:44:00 -0700

With the key components of my sexuality in place: that being pretty means positive female attention and love, and that if a woman goes to the trouble to feminize me and keep me prisoner that I am therefore desired and wanted, the rest of my perversions and fetishes start to fall into place as I get older.

At some point in my childhood I had a scrap of black fishnet that was an accessory to a 'Planet of the Apes' toy set, and I remember absolutely loving the way it felt if I put it on my leg, the way it looked, the way it felt if I kissed it..

I joke about it, but I seriously think popular culture played a role.

Wonder Woman on TV wearing that outfit, tying up people with her golden lasso and forcing them to tell the truth.

Princess Ardala on Buck Rogers, all dominant and imperious, always trying to seduce Buck and make him her submissive consort. I even had an action figure of her that in later years my other action figures would kneel before and kiss her feet!

And of course, Slave Leia in that much beloved and drooled over outfit.

In Leia's case, it wasn't so much a desire to submit to her and be conquered by her (as it was for Ardala & Wonder Woman) it was more a desire to look like her, and be collared and chained and kept.

As I got older, I began to figure out some of these thoughts and fantasies. The discovery of porn magazines gave me a terminology and a frame of reference to figure out who I was, which I've written about before.

I'll just shamelessly steal from myself and quote here:

To me, it wasn't like I made a conscious decision in my head "Oh that sounds hot, I would like to try that someday". It was more of...an epiphany of sorts. A realization deep in my heart, soul, and loins that this is who I am. Feelings and urges inside of me for years before I had even picked up a porno magazine in my life--things that I didn't understand suddenly had names and identities. I was a submissive male. I was into BDSM. I needed to belong to a Mistress. I now had a vocabulary and a frame of reference for these feelings and needs.

From there things kind of progress organically in my sexual development. Childhood fades, the toys and action figures are put away and I'm now fantasizing about these porn letters I'm reading, and ogling girls in class.

Every Halloween was particularly torturous in a sweet kind of way, because inevitably girls at school would come dressed in some outfit involving black fishnets and I used to ache and feel my knees go weak and know deep down in my soul that if any of them had clued in on these feelings in me, and told me to get on my knees before them, I would have been unable to resist!

My kink interests and experience have grown over the years, but some of them just seem to have developed naturally from out of the primary forced feminization fetish. For instance, the interest in strap on dildos and forced bi.

The interest in strap-on play develops as a natural continuation of the forced fem fetish. After all, if being a kept feminized slave means that I'm unable to escape, how much greater will the helplessness and enslavement be if I am forced to act and perform as a female as well? It's all a development and an escalation of the wanting to be kept prisoner (and therefore wanted, desired and secure) part of my psyche.

Forced bi? Also develops naturally, logically even, from these same desires. If I am so owned now that my very sexuality is open to whatever my Mistress wishes, it reenforces those mental chains that bind me to her. There has to be that element of force involved, NOT because I need an excuse to engage in homoerotic activity, but because my insecurity demands I feel wanted and needed and kept as a pretty prisoner and surrendering my sexuality is an extension of that very basic need.

That's why all of the endless back and forth discussion of 'how is forced fem or forced bi really forced' really pisses me off when I see it. Are any other fetishes second guessed and nitpicked this much?? If my fetish was all about being spanked, would I be nitpicked by people saying that, because I consented to and submitted to being spanked, that I wasn't REALLY surrendering control at all?

Its ALL consensual activity, or supposed to be, no? And the activity in question--whether it's being dressed as a woman...or made to serve as a pony...or spanked...or whatever it happens to actually be that forms one's fetish need, that activity is really only the surface manifestation of the psychological need that particular fetish fulfills. So it doesn't really matter what the fetish actually is, its almost even a kind of side effect.

My needs are to feel wanted and loved and kept secure, your deep needs may be motivated by something else entirely, that other kinkster over there may have the same fetish but different psychological needs than you and I, or a different fetish driven by the same underlying need.

We're all different. Your mileage may vary.

So anyway...that's my kinky psyche as I have come to understand it. As I said in my first entry on this subject, what drives me may and probably is different than what drives you, but hopefully you've been able to relate a little.

Why am I kinky? Why 'forced fem'? (Part 2)

nospam@example.com (slave tia) — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 06:33:16 -0700

Back to the psychological self-analysis..

I'm not blaming (for lack of a better word) my kinky and perverted nature entirely on my grandmother and my childhood appearance. I think we as people are shaped my the world and our experiences as a whole, and to suppose an immediate cause and effect (i.e., my childhood blonde curly hair created my desire to be feminized & enslaved by a woman) is too simplistic and wrong. Its only when you put the pieces of a jigsaw together that they make sense--a piece on its own, isolated from the main picture means nothing.

A big key to my psychology as a whole, not just my kink side, is insecurity. I'm a tad neurotic. Even now, writing this, I feel a small bit of anxiety worrying over if some forum/internet troll will attack me, or, if I will have put all of this time and effort putting myself under the microscope for an interesting and educational piece and no one will read it or give a shit.

Insecurity, low-self esteem, prone to anxieties and depressions. I can coldly and clinically examine my psyche and diagnose myself point by point. Where all of it comes from? I have no idea...like I said previously, I was brought up in a very loving and supportive home. The only real problems in my world came when I was switched from a very sheltered private school where all my classmates were my friends to a rather brutal redneck public school where I suddenly became the nerdy new kid no one liked in the fifth grade. Perhaps all the negative traits stem from there, or perhaps some of it is genetic as mom is rather anxiety-driven as well. I don't know.

How insecurity applies to my kink life is that I feel it is the root need in my psychological profile that kink addresses and fulfills.

My mind had already made the equation that being beautiful equated positive female attention, affection and love. The black hole of being deeply insecure as a person meant that I constantly needed reassurance that I was wanted and desired and loved.

And around this time...before the switch from private to public school actually, I began having this dream.

It was a reoccurring dream, one that I had for several nights. Vivid enough that I remember it to this very day. In the dream, I was kidnapped by a whole gang of giggling girls and taken to this abandoned house. I was overpowered, stripped naked and had all my male clothes thrown away. Then I was dressed up and made up as a girl. This ensured my compliance with their wishes and made sure I would stay a prisoner, because the embarrassment factor of going out in public dressed as a girl meant I could never leave the house, so I was trapped there, forever in the dream.

Then the girls tied me to a chair (doubling down on this whole not letting me get away thing) and took turns kissing me. Just kissing, mind you. I had NO idea what sex was at this age. But the dream made me feel so...tingly. Happy.

This same dream repeated itself several times...and then, several weeks later--almost as if I predicted it--a high school girl on the bus, fed up with my brattyness and smartass remarks threatened to put lipstick on me at the bus stop.

Of course I made a big show of going ohhhhh noooo and running from her as if my life depended on it, but inside a sick sweet thrill was had at the thought of her actually doing it. Of her holding me down helpless and applying lipstick. Outside, I was all "Don't you even!" but inside I was going ohhh yessss please....

The machinery in my head whirred and clicked and came up with the next huge building block in my developing sexuality, really the key to everything that makes me tick as a submissive is that: if a woman goes to all of that trouble to make me her prisoner, to feminize me and put me in bondage to make sure that I cannot escape then she must REALLY REALLY *WANT* me.

This is key, I think. Its *not* about the clothes in and of themselves. It's why I have no desire to dress on my own, and why I don't identify myself as 'trans' anything*. Its all about HER. The woman in my fantasies who wants to keep me as her slave, wrapped her little finger forever and ever. It makes me feel sexy, wanted, desired. Deliciously trapped as her pretty pet.

And if I am wanted and desired to that extreme...I have nothing to be insecure about.

More to come...

*note from Mistress - we disagree on this point. Tia's gender may not be something that the current crop of activists recognizes, but he sure as hell isn't CISgendered!

Thoughts About Sissies

nospam@example.com (Erisiana Cherie) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 09:15:23 -0700

I recently had a little bit of drama over at one of my tumblr blogs. I might write more about that later, I don't know. But it has definitely inspired me to start writing on a subject that I've been thinking about for a while: sissies.

The word "sissy" was first used as an affectionate synonym for sister. Which is a meaning it has in common usage even today. Its first published use was recorded in 1846 but by 1887 it had gained the additional meaning of "effeminate man or boy". It's not hard to imagine how the shift happened: even today some boys will emphasize their masculinity by denigrating those who are more feminine. The leap from calling your sister 'sissy' to calling the odd boy down the road who liked to wear pretty clothes and hated fighting a 'sissy' is an easy one.

I personally find this origin deeply satisfying. Because although it started out as a pejorative when applied to males* I think it also expressed a fundamental truth: sissies are akin to SISTERS.

I think that's a wonderful way of seeing sissies: not necessarily as fellow women**, but definitely as my sisters. I love the thought that every sissy out there is, in some sense, my sister under the skin.

* Sissy was considered pejorative because it denoted that the boy or man was not sufficiently masculine; i.e. he liked wearing pretty clothes, he had polite, gentle manners, he didn't like to fight, etc. Proper boys were simply not supposed to be like that. But we have grown past requiring that guys act like brutes lest they be sneered at, haven't we?

** Of course, some people who start off wearing the label 'sissy' later conclude that they ARE women.

Venus in Furs

nospam@example.com (Erisiana Cherie) — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 07:48:59 -0700

I just finished reading Venus in Furs by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch. (You know, the fellow for whom masochism is named?) And I was surprised by how fascinating I found it. It's a bit slow to start, and of course there's the flowery archaic language to get used to, but once it got going the story itself grabbed me.

The tale involves a man (Severin) who dreams of becoming the slave of the woman he loves (Wanda), and what happens when they agree to make his dream a reality. I won't give away the plot, but much of the fascination of reading it was seeing just how many of the themes and ideas that run through modern femdom fantasies were present back then. (This book was first published 140 years ago!) There's bondage, physical punishments, humiliation, domestic servitude, cuckolding and object fetishes. Even the language is familiar; he speaks eloquently of cruel and strict Mistresses dominating adoring slaves.

There's also a very interesting thread of period morality running through it, preaching against sexism as it was understood in those days.

The novella is quite short, and for anyone with an interest in male submission/female domination I think well worth a read.

People On Fetlife Are Full Of Shit

nospam@example.com (slave tia) — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 09:20:45 -0700

And I can prove it with an Etch-a-Sketch, as Bill Hicks once said.

Kidding aside, let me clarify that I do not mean that each and every person or forum moderator on Fetlife is wrong and full of shit, nor do I mean to imply that there is anything wrong with the website itself. It is and will continue to be a valuable resource for the BDSM community. No, what I am referring to is the Fetlife users and moderators who seem to spend their entire lives sniping at people online, forum trolls and forum bullies, prudes and hypocrites.

I don't know if this is a large number of users, or just a very vocal and active minority. I would like to believe that rationality and common sense are the order of the day but sadly, this might not be the case.

Let's backtrack a bit.

A few days ago I posted this story to the Fetlife group "Submissive Men and women who love them".

(The deleted version of this by a moderator who by her own words 'only skimmed it' is here)

I picked this fetlife group because I had posted other, kind of humorous pieces before and they seemed friendly to such postings. For a long while I've been giving up on reading forum after forum for the same snotty attitudes that I'm writing about now. I had thought this group was different: I was wrong.

To me, this was a light piece. Kind of sexy, kind of funny, but it honestly reflected the loving, poly BDSM relationship which I am fortunate enough to be in. I am a submissive man: My Mistress loves me. As the name of the group is, again, "Submissive Men and women who love them", I thought it appropriate. Within minutes the self-appointed Forum police jumped on it, saying it was not a 'discussion topic'. Calling it just porn, or an erotic story, or 'wank fodder', and such posts were against their rules.

I'm going to argue those points in a minute but for now let's just examine this wonderful 'rule' that seems to be in so many Fetlife groups in one form or another:

Do not post to tell people what you did last night, or what you wish you had done to you.

We will consider this wank fodder and will delete it. If you need to describe a play scenario because it is relevant to your question then by all means post enough information for context. If in doubt, contact a moderator for clarification.

This quite frankly blows my mind. This is a group entitled 'Submissive Men and women who love them'. It is a discussion group for people who, by definition, are doing naughty things to each other. On a naughty website. With naughty pics, video, ads all over the place.

I can see the logic in posting an erotic fictional story elsewhere: that's kind of a whole other kettle of fish entirely with it's own conventions, writing styles, etc. Rules of reality may not apply. You kind of want those stories kept separate to A. make them easier to find for those looking for such a story and B. So it isn't confused with ongoing discussions or actual real life accounts.

But this 'rule' goes further than that. It prohibits talking about what you have actually done for REAL.

My mind boggles at this, trying to picture other discussion groups where you are not allowed to actually talk about DOING the activity the group is SUPPOSED to be about. I'm trying to imagine...astronomy groups, where you are not allowed to talk about getting a telescope out and looking at the stars. Or groups on sailing, where they don't like you to talk about taking your own boat out on the water.

Doesn't happen right? Why does it happen on FETLIFE for crying out loud?

Is it some..I don't know, some kind of perverse (no pun intended) self-hatred? People who are so ashamed of themselves and this lifestyle they are supposedly into that they feel, if they take 'sexy talk' out of the equation, that that somehow elevates the conversation into something they deem more 'respectable'?

Or is it just a case of a few forum bullies trying to run the whole playground, asserting themselves and their ideas about their own self-importance, playing an endless game of 'one-upsmanship' on discussion topic after discussion topic where the topic itself is only incidental, and the chance to throw their weight around is really whats important?

Or is it the case of simply being prudish? This possibility really just blows my mind, and it might even be so. Quite often (when I feel bothered enough to care, as I find 95% of the Fetlife forums useless and uninteresting) I'll click on a thread because I want to hear about what other naughty people are doing I see a few people who seem against the very idea that--gasp--other people might be actually having S-E-X out there!

(Perhaps they're offended because they werent invited themselves?)

I've clicked on a few of these members out of sheer curiosity--has Fetlife been secretly invaded by Puritans?--and find, no, no, they seem to be kinky folk as well, belong to a bunch of groups, have a lot of naughty interests. So why the anti-sex attitude?

It mystifies me.

Perhaps its the type of play being described. In the case of my writing, there was some forced fem, some forced bi. Not everyone's cup of tea, but does that make my form of play any less valid than yours? If you like pony play and I dont, I'm going to exhibit common damn sense and not read your hot account of last night's pony play, I'm going to hit my backspace button, go back to the topic list, and find something more my speed. Just like changing the channel here folks. If something isnt your cup of tea, or if something offends you, dont read/watch/listen to the damn thing. Dont raise a hue and cry trying to censor anyone else.

Fetlife is a NAUGHTY website by its very existence, your presence on such site implies that YOU are naughty, no form or style of play is more valid than any other, so stop frikkin throwing stones in your own glass house. Sheesh.

I swear. So many people on Fetlife are full of shit.

The almost comical sequel to this is that my Mistress felt compelled to apologize to the very group I had offended. She did this out of a sense of reponsibility as my Owner: http://fetlife.com/groups/42/group_posts/1273036

(An apology I wasn't going to give, by the way.)

We're not even 4 posts into the reponses here before people are going round and around about 'forum rules' again. (Remember the game of 'one-upsmanship' I spoke of earlier?) And we even get into the loathsome Fetlife activity that I call 'bdsm navel-gazing':

So my purely rhetorical question is, how is his Domme posting any different than if he did? Is it simply because she's a Domme and not a male submissive?? I don't see the distinction and yes I've seen the thread about a sub's behavior reflecting on his Domme.

This is the result of what happens when you have insane forum rules against posting accounts of actually doing the activity that the forum is supposedly about. Arguing for the simple sake of arguing. The same sort of endless discussion like, 'how is it forced feminization if its not actually forced', that kind of thing. Arguing over semantics or forum minutuae in a never-ending comtemplation of one's own kinky navel.

Like arguing how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. Or Kirk vs Picard. Or some other meaningless argument just for the sake of arguing. None of which has little or any meaning on the actual real subject of what the forum is supposed to be about.

Attitudes like this--the forum games, the one-upsmanship, the navel gazing, moderators enforcing rules blindly without a gram of common sense, are what keep Fetlife from being well and truly great. Discussion groups are almost meaningless without actual real content within them; what discussion remains becomes nothing but the mental masturbation of whatever clique of users and moderators who are running it.

In a community that is already set apart from the mainstream to begin with, to have its own members divide and turn against each other and set each other further apart is not just dumb: its tragic.

*climbs down off the soapbox*

A faux-sub in the wild

nospam@example.com (Erisiana Cherie) — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 12:10:31 -0700

In the 5+ years I've been working as a professional sexpot, I've encountered a whole lot of crackpots who call themselves "slaves". Take this example I encountered today on twitter:

@LadyErisiana woukd you kidnap me making me a slave ( foot , human toilet , or sex slave?) Never letting me escape

This is pretty classic useless-wanker fodder. The guy's fantasy is completely unrealistic. I mean, what could possibly make it worth ANY woman's while to undergo the actual effort and legal risk of ACTUALLY KIDNAPPING him? A super hot kidnapping scene can be engineered between two partners who know each other well and have taken the time and trouble to negotiate. And a female-led relationship, where the guy lives in total submission to his Mistress, that's doable too. But actually kidnapping a random stranger? Seriously, hasn't everybody seen at least one episode of CSI by now?

But guys like this, instead of integrating their kink into their lives in a healthy and realistic way, choose instead to troll random women online. The modus operandi is to send an absurd and uninvited offer to as many women as he can, and get off on the responses of the few who actually reply.

These guys are worthless in the truest sense of the word; they offer literally nothing to the women they're hitting on. They barely even recognize that we are individual PEOPLE. To them we might as well be cardboard cutouts; we are merely random interchangable props in the fantasy. Anyone with a pussy and a flogger who talks back will do. I understand this but...well...sometimes I get in a mood. You know, the kind of mood where one's upbringing as a well-mannered southern lady succumbs to the urge to rip a new one in someone who is just asking for it? And today was one of those days. So I responded:

@s3cgarci7 Go buy a porn movie dipshit, and quit pestering busy Women with your trolling for free wank material. {link to my porn site}

He (of course, why stop when he's getting his fix?) answers back

@LadyErisiana plz lady

At this point (still in my mood) I attempted to DM him, and realized he wasn't even following me. So the guy wants me to put myself to great trouble and effort, risking lifetime imprisonment, to fulfill his perverted fantasy and kidnap him...and he can't even follow me on twitter? How fucked up is that? I respond again...

@s3cgarci7 You're such a worthless little wanker that you're not even FOLLOWING me. *eyeroll* Why should I want anything to do with you?

Now I've fed into his kink and he wants to keep the interaction going, keep me coming back with the nasty responses. So he goes on the offensive, insisting that HE'S the "real" one, I'm some kind of fake and clearly not up to the task...

@LadyErisiana I don't mean like a session nothing linger that thus is above you or your profession this is real shit believe that
@LadyErisiana I made other ladies like you call me crazy weird over of a kind yid see your something that I consider fake

At least, I think that's what he meant to be saying. It's hard to understand at this point because his writing has gotten so garbled. And you know what? My money would be on the garbled grammer being a result of him wanking off to the humiliation & rejection of my responses. Because THAT is what guys like this are really after - the humiliating rejection.

You can tell he's a humilation junkie by the nature of the fantasy he proposed: human toilet, need I say more? And just for fun I went to his twitter page, to see what kind of talk he'd been having with others. Guess what I found there? This conversation with another random woman he'd trolled...

@CLAUDIAmeatsix Are you crazy to stalk me kidnap me making me a(foot, sex, or human toilet) Slave ? Not let me escape 4 reals no games

@s3cgarci7 i think this is one of the most suitable situations where i can actually say 'WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?' :S

@CLAUDIAmeatsix lol just using twitter to my advantage I ask like 250 ladies what I asked you in s daily basis

@s3cgarci7 greaaat. get good replies most of the time?

@CLAUDIAmeatsix its my ultimate fantasy what I asked you .problem no girl like that I can't seen to find I asked professional domiatrixes

@s3cgarci7 that made a whole lot of sense just then. (y)
@s3cgarci7 yeah, i don't think you'll find any girl that will share the same "fantasy" as you. sorry mate.

@CLAUDIAmeatsix crazy physco girls , mistresses no no girl no where I asked over 30,000 from all over the world

@s3cgarci7 i can see how you find it so utterly entertaining.

Do I still think that there are many fine and worthwhile men in the world? Absolutely. I have several in my own life and some of them are my real-life slaves and submissives. But as a sex worker I've been astonished to discover just how many worthless wankers like this there are, who fulfill their kink by using women while claiming to be submissives or slaves.

A faux-domme in the wild

nospam@example.com (Erisiana Cherie) — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 00:00:00 -0700

There is this domme who runs a very popular online group.

I strongly suspect this domme is not a person who physically exists, but is an online persona constructed by someone with a deeply held fetish. I further suspect that the creator of this persona is not even female, but a male sub who is perhaps assuaging his own desperate longings by creating this dream dominatrix persona.

What makes me suspect that this "domme" is not a real person? Many, many things don't add up:

Her pictures are, almost without exception, obviously stolen content lifted from pornsites etc. The very few which she claims are of her/her sub could just as easily have been stolen.

Her descriptions of female sexual & relationship responses are grossly inaccurate. Her women are all instantly intrigued when they discover a guy is a sissy. They get wildly horny from nothing more than watching the sissy get dressed up and do his thing. They never have any hang-ups about taking multiple other male lovers, or seem particularly concerned about things like birth control and STDs. They cum at the drop of a hat as soon as a "real man" sticks a dick in them. If real women reacted like this, why would it be so hard for sissy guys to find a Mistress?

And do I even need to add that these "real men" are never anything but stunt cocks in this Mistress's tales? They appear as needed, as if ordered from Studs-R-Us, and vanish again as soon as the sex scene is over, with never any messy relationship issues, needs, or wants of their own.

All her claims are unrealistic at best. She claims to have a large manor-style house where she lives with her cuckolded sissy slave. Supposedly any woman who has a recalcitrant male in her life - be he husband, son, or even her own boss - can bring him to this domme and leave him there, where he will be forcibly restrained, beaten and tortured in various ways until he's transformed into the perfect sissy.

Keeping someone imprisioned against their will, beating them and using things like cattle prods on them, forcing them to undergo hormone treatments and sometimes surgery? Doing these things not only to consenting adult males but even to underage boys? In the real world these are CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES. How realistic does it seem that a domme would be able to engage in this level of publicly admitted criminal activity for years, with hundreds of victims, and not get in trouble with the law?

To the best of my knowledge, this domme has never met anyone in person. She claims to have met lots of people, and even posts letters allegedly from those people. But all these letters are posted by she herself, and are strangely similar to her own writing style. And in the several years I've been observing her I've never once seen a letter from any of the thousands of people that follow her that says so much as "thanks for writing me back". If she's "helped" so many other dominas and sissies wouldn't you think at least one of those people would have publicly thanked her?

Let me clarify that last point a little: people thank this domme all the time. They thank her for being an inspiration, for understanding what sissies long for. They thank her for posting her writings and running her groups. They even, sometimes, thank her for transforming all those sissies through the years. But never in a personal "oh, when I brought my husband to you he came back so much improved!" kind of way. Rather she gets thanked in the generic "you do so much for all us sissies" way. You know, like a random fan might thank any celebrity for "doing so much for their fans".

In her writings, which she always presents as true stories, people constantly do things that simply don't happen in real life. She writes, for example, of arranging weddings where the assembled vanilla guests don't bat an eyelash when the groom unexpectedly appears wearing a wedding dress. And then as soon as the ceremony is over the same vanilla guests line up to take a turn in the sissy husband's mouth right there in the church!

Now seriously, how can anyone who is not willfully deluding themselves think this is something that happens in real life?

But this "domme" tells equally outlandish stories All. The. Time. And all while continuing to proclaim that it's all 100% real, and that she has personally "helped" hundreds of sissy males and dominant women to find happiness. And this is the point at which it becomes difficult for me to stomach. Because at this point, she is not helping at all.

In fact, by giving so many men the idea that such an outlandish fantasy-domme really exists, and that these things really happen, this domme is actually hurting people. She is persuading real people to model their behavior and expectations on something that is fantasy. And that is not going to help the sissy guys who follow her find a real domme owner, I assure you.

I believe this domme is really the fantasy-contruction of a male submissive for one simple reason: none of her activities seem to ask for money. If there was a sales pitch somewhere along the line I would call her a faux domme who is selling a porn fantasy. Since there isn't, and since this sham has been running for a long time, I think it must be a case of a desperate submale who's found an unusual way to assuage his need. But the red flags in this case are highly illustrative of what to watch out for with other faux dommes.

And THAT is the reason I am writing about this here. I've deliberately not named names or posted links; I've no wish to "expose" her or get involved in a big internet drama. And I know perfectly well that if this faux-domme were to disappear tomorrow two more would pop up to take her place. But the falsehoods I see coming from her are typical of the breed. And judging from the breathless adoration of her fans, either a whole lot of people are playing along with the fantasy - or there's a whole lot of clueless sissy subs out there.

I believe rational people (I'm talking to YOU!) ought to be able to figure these things out for themselves. And I hope that my giving specifics about this one instance of fantasy passing as reality might help a few of those misled sissies get a clue.

More gender tomfoolery!

nospam@example.com (Erisiana Cherie) — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 00:00:00 -0700

Have you seen the anime series Ouran: High School Host Club yet?

If not, I urge you to check it out! It's HILARIOUS and has more gender tomfoolery in it than a barrel full of drag queens.

The premise is that a gender-ambivalent girl incurs an outrageous debt. To pay it off she starts working as a "host" which is basically a super-romanticized softcore boy-whore for rich girls. Cue all sorts of insanely silly scenarious revolving around gender & class expectations and teen romance.

One of the things I absolutely adore about this series (besides the loving way it spoofs both the romance genre and anime in general) is the way it presents sexual orientation as completely fluid. There's no discussion, it's not a big "Social Issue"...it's just taken for granted that OF COURSE all the characters, male, female, and in between, might develop romantic interests in any other character regardless of either party's gender.

Which leads to a lot of dreamy boy-on-dreamy boy action. *whistles innocently* Ouran: High School Host Club is available on streaming netflix right now. You can also find complete episodes on YouTube.

p.s. I think this is also a great choice for Mistresses who're looking for "femmy" media for mental restructuring/feminization purposes!

I'm the newest Sex & Love blogger for Creative Loafing! :-D

nospam@example.com (Erisiana Cherie) — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 09:20:11 -0700

Hiya everybody!

I am OVER THE MOON to announce that I've joined the team of Sex & Love bloggers at Creative Loafing.

Come check out my first post, and be sure to leave me a comment!

I will be a regular contributor, writing about the Tampa Bay area's alternative sexuality scene as well as my adventures as a kinky wife & mom, pro dom, and pornmaker. Feel free to write back to me with your questions, comments, observations and of course if you know about a group or event you'd like to see mentioned.

Did I mention I'm thrilled? I think I'm gonna have to knock off early today and have a champagne lunch to celebrate, hehehe! In case you've never heard of it, Creative Loafing is like the Village Voice for those of us south of the Mason Dixon line. It's got regional issues in most of the major cities, and anybody who's looking for hip entertainment around here turns to CL. I grew up around here, and CL was our beacon of coolness in an era when they rolled up the sidewalks at 8pm. Add that it's my first paying gig as a writer and it's doubly exciting. (Note that we're working with a special writer's definition of "paying gig" that includes peanuts.)

Anyway, please come and check it out!

Pussy: it's not just a vagina anymore

nospam@example.com (Erisiana Cherie) — Sat, 23 Oct 2010 04:23:50 -0700

Grok this boys...that private place on a woman's body you long to get close to is NOT just a vagina.

There's a LOT more to the ladyparts than the hole you're so interested in slipping things into. And for many, many women those other parts are just as interesting - if not more so - than the vagina. There's also the mons, two sets of labia, and the vitally-important clitoris too.

I can understand the linguistic need to convey this complexity in a single word. For me, "vagina" ain't it. Using that term as though the hole represented the sum of the parts grates on me; I feel that it hearkens back to the days when the male medical establishment declared female sexual pleasure a sickness and decreed that her reproductive role was all that mattered. I much prefer supposedly cruder but more encompassing terms like "pussy" or "cunt".

(Btw, did you know that the word "cunt" has a really long and complicated history?)

Whatever you call it though, if you're lucky enough get close to my cunt and you treat it like it's just a vagina you probably won't be invited back for seconds.

S**t Happens

nospam@example.com (Erisiana Cherie) — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 00:00:00 -0700

Once upon a time my son (aka aspie boy) was a wee lad of three or four years old. At this tender age he was already a dedicated artist, decorating any surface he could reach with any sort of writing/coloring implement he could find.

One day he decided to experiment with more organic media. He began using his own poo to paint with.

He painted the walls. He painted the furniture. He smeared it into the carpet and rubbed it all over his toys. He even daubed it on himself, taking special delight (it seemed) in working it into his hair.

Now this is pretty normal, right? At least, that's what the pediatrician, other parents, etc and so on would assure me when I mentioned it.

But my son? He did this not once or twice but three or four times a day.

EVERY day.

For about SIX MONTHS.

I spent hours every day literally scrubbing the shit out of things. Ever tried to get half-dried poo out from between the prongs of a lego? I recommend avoiding it if at all possible.

This was before we even knew about his autism. And yet, somehow, I managed NOT to murder anybody. There have been other rough times, and I'm sure will be more to come, but that was certainly the {ahem} crappiest.

And that, dear readers, is why I will not do scat or "human toilet" play as anything but a cyber-fantasy.

C'est la vie

nospam@example.com (Erisiana Cherie) — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 00:00:00 -0700

I wrecked the family car this week.

It was unarguably my fault. I was preoccupied with my own thoughts and drove right through a red light. Lemme tell ya, I felt awful for the poor tourist who hit me.

As for myself...well, I am physically uninjured. And the damage to the car doesn't actually seem that bad; a smooshed rear passenger door and side panel. But the car is so old that it seems likely our insurance company will opt to pay us the blue book value rather than shell out to repair it.

This wouldn't be such a bad thing IF we had the funds to buy a replacement. The car has the automotive version of leprosy anyway. Plastic bits you'd never think were important - like door handles and dashboard knobs - have disintegrated in the hot Florida sun. There's a fossilized mass of gunk that used to be a vanilla milkshake welded to one floorboard, and dents on the hood and roof from where our son (the autistic one) thought it would be fun to play atop the car with a brick. The trunk won't latch and is held shut with a bungee cord. The cheap self-tint film some previous owner applied to the windows is peeling off and starting to affect visibility. If we had the money to replace it with something in better shape I'd be shrugging the whole incident off with a "c'est la vie" and being grateful that nobody was injured.

But we don't. All we have is the pittance the insurance company will pay us for the car.

And the thing is, it's worth a lot more than book value to us. Despite its issues this car is THE reliable transportation not just for Izzy, myself and the kids but also for my mother, tia and his roommate. There's little chance of finding an equally reliable replacement for what the insurance company will pay us. So what should be a minor crisis, easily remedied, becomes a potentially major catastrophe. (And this is what the alleged "recovery" looks like to those of us who are clinging desperately to the lower edge of middle-class.)

It's ironic because I am one of those people who's a fanatic about obeying traffic laws. I'm the sort who will sit through a red light at 3am when there's obviously no traffic for miles because IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. So naturally the one time I fail to pay adequate attention results in a collision.

But the biggest irony? The thoughts which occupied my mind so much that I failed to mind the road were worries about money.